Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
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The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.