Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
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You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.