At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
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Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
#catsoftwitter
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up