The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
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[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox