Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
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My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.