Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
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When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Miscakes
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
When the stylist spins you back around
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.