Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
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*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming