me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
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Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
bears
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I am HOWLING at this
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.