I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
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It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Yup.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
(2022)
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?