[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
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Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.