i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
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I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
My dad is at it again
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
50 shades of grey = my Liver
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
dutch so unserious
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong