@neiltyson

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

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@simoncholland

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

@longwall26

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

@adamgreattweet

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

@perlhack

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

@Reverend_Scott

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

@adamgreattweet

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

@traciebreaux

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

@josh___grant

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”