You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
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Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
When you’ve simply given up.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport