Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
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While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving