Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
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AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Childbirth is so beautiful
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.