{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
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Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
All food is good if you spell it wrong
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes