If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
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4yo: You’re a good dad.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet