@internetluke

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

You Might Also Like

@bridger_w

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

@TheEmmeReynolds

4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.

@SimplyEffortful

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

@Probgoblin

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

@juicymorsel

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

@bartandsoul

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.