[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
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Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
The Weeknd is back
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.