@bridger_w If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
@internetluke [Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
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@bridger_w 
@TheEmmeReynolds 4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
@SimplyEffortful My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
@NicCageMatch Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
@Probgoblin The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
@juicymorsel Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
@TheBoydP Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
@bartandsoul Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
@Lenabellalou gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
@TheToddWilliams Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet