Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
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IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.