Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

Men: Remember that time…

Women: Yes

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.

My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.