Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Top causes of divorce:
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
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IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Me: Your move.
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”
“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.