if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
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Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
This checks out
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
The human personality is made of five key elements
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.