CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
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“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.