*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
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SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.