The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
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The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
WWE is French for “yes”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers