I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
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Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I cannot stop laughing at this
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Skills
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?