Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
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me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.