HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
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When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
finally found a reasonable question
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down