In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
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I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.