In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
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A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
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When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”![]()
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
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“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
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Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Why soy sad?
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My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
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20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.