When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
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I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.