I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
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Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged