“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
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Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Milk Cube
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.