It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
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5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely