Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
You Might Also Like
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?