My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
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The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last