Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
You Might Also Like
Confused owl: What?!
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.