Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
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I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”