All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
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My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?