[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
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Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
good work, everybody
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.