Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
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If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
these two trucks have the same bed length
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.