Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
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[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?