Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
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The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
#catsoftwitter
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?