Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
