He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
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Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.