I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
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If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
He is just living hist best little life 😊
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
IT’S-A ME,
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA