I just stopped by to water my horse.
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what’s the point then??
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
<—- homeless romantic
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert