I just stopped by to water my horse.

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Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news


[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second


[Bucket Lists]
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer


Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.


5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.


“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”


If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.


She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?