@wednesday0525
@abbycohenwl Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
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@abbycohenwl 
@capnwatsisname Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
@QwertyJones3 [during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
@SomthinBoutSara I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
@LurkAtHomeMom [Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
@Tbone7219 Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
@wildrainbow2 5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
@VaguelyFunnyDan “I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
@robfee If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
@thegreatnanak She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?