If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
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Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
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Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I will never stop laughing at this
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Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?