They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
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Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.