angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
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With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …