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I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”