Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
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Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
And bowling should be called pinball
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t