What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
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“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)