The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
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Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.