The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.![]()
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[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain![]()
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hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
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My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops