my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
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He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Planet of the Apps.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
me after drinking all the wine:
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
🚲+physics = winner
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be