Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
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Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.